I am just a man

11. listopadu 2018 v 15:16 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
"Gay is a term that primarily refers to a homosexual person or the trait of being homosexual. Homosexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior between members of the same sex or gender." Wikipedia

The definition says, that as a gay, I love men and I want to have sex with them. Nothing more! But which other differences can I see? How do I feel in "my" community? That´s what I want to talk about in this article.

When I was 12, I found out, I am a gay. It was not easy for me. It was not easy for gay people in general. People had a lot of prejudice. It was difficult to find a boyfriend and it was not easy to say your family and your friends, that you are gay. It got changed after the Velvet revolution.

Gay people started to live. It has been easier to find a partner. We wanted to be tolerated and accepted and we tried to show that we are the same as heterosexual people. We wanted to live together with straight people without prejudice. We wanted not to be separated. We have succeeded: to be gay is not an illness anymore, we are tolerated, it is not so difficult to find a partner or to tell our friends we are gay. We can live in civil partnership.

I think now I can live the way I always wanted: I can introduce my boyfriend to my friends and nobody cares that it is a man. My friends accept it. I can talk with my friends about my problems with love or sex and they are able to talk about it with me. I can talk with them about everything. I meet my friends to talk about our hobbies, to go to the pub, to go to the theater or to the cinema, to go to the party or celebration … to do many things and to talk about many topics. That is why I don´t need to meet only gay people. The sexual orientation is not the reason to be my friend. I don´t condemn gay pubs. It could be a good place to make acquaintance with a new boyfriend. But if it should be a place intended only for this and if I should meet there people focused on meeting just other gay people, I would have no reason to go there with my friends.

So I don´t understand why some gay people meet almost only other gay people. Why have they almost only gay friends? Why are they going mainly to the gay pubs? Afro American people also fought for their right like us, but they don´t have their pubs or clubs. Or are there any pubs for disabled? If some gay people want to find a friend to go to the gym, why they are finding him on gay website or gay dating? Would you like if a straight man looked for friend to go to the cinema, but if he wanted to go there only with a straight man? Or wouldn´t you care about it? If you distinguish between "they" and "we", who separate us? The straight people or you? Why are you separating yourselvs in gay community?

Several month ago I was in a gay pub and I felt like a stranger. Most of people here were interested about my appearence, age, sex, clothes, my favourite sexual practics. I overheard talking about who had sex with who, how it was, who knew the young "new in town" boy and who would pick up him … I overheard talking about number of lovers, about the lover´s penis, about his clothes and body … It seems for some gay people, sexuality is a very important thing for to make friendship. And I think it doesn´t help us. I could like gay pubs, if I did not feel there as in an auction. And they will never be my only pubs, I will go to. I am sorry but this is not the way I want to live. If you want to live like this maybe it is better to separate oneself, but I doubt it can help you to be accepted by straight people.

I have been thinking a lot about Gay pride day. In my opinion, it is not useful or needed. Have you ever seen a straight pride? Or Arican American´s pride? Have you ever seen a heterosexual parade with so many sexual explicit or implicit meanings? If I saw something like that, I wouldn´t like it. I like men in leather clothes, for me it is exciting to see a man in a leather harness … but it is not the thing, I want to show to the others. My sexual life belongs to my bedroom, not into the street. I can´t be PROUD of my homosexual orientation, just as I couldn´t be proud of my heterosexual orientation, if I was straight. It doesn´t make sense. People are proud of their success or their children. People are proud of their work, but not of their sexuality.

When I was young, I wanted to live with straight people without prejudice. I wanted to be accepted by my friends with everything I am. I have found out, that straight people are able to understand and accept my orientation, the only difference between us. So my behaviour should show them, that in the other things I am similar or the same: our lifes our similar, our worry and joy are the same, we are interested in the same things. I believe that I will be moving from my friends away if I put stress on things we are different in. Most of my friends are straight and I think, they accept me. Not tolerate me, but ACCEPT me. I don´t live my gay life, I simply live my life. I don´t need gay friends, I just need friends. I don´t want to meet my friends in gay pubs, I only want to meet them in places, where we feel good. I don´t want to show my sexuality in a parade, I want to enjoy my sexuality in my bedroom. Because I am not a gay man, I am just a man.
 

Love letter waiting to be written

25. října 2018 v 10:01 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
Your sheet of paper is still blank and waiting to be covered with writing. I am sure your letter will begin with the word Michalet. You are the only one who calls me like this. I love it … and I always will. You know that every single word I wrote you is still true. That´s why you have to think a lot. To think about the fairytale about a man and a boy. To think about the 16th incredible way how to make dreams true. To think how to answer my questions, that start with the words: "Do you know …" You are thinking about the poem in which there are no words, just silence. You are counting the roses, because they are speaking to you. And it is only you who knows what they are speaking about. Your sheet of paper is still blank, because I know everythink you want to write. Your sheet of paper is still waiting to be covered with writing, because more than words is all you want to do to make things real. One day I will receive a letter with the only word: Michalet. That day I will know, that I am your only one.

Prophetic sphere

4. října 2018 v 15:51 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
Two weeks ago I asked my friend Kuba, if he would come to our Englis club. He replied: "Of course, if a tram doesn't run me over." When I want to know my future, I ask a prophetic sphere (a website application). So I sent this link to Kuba. He asked the sphere, if he would be run over by a tram. And the sphere replied YES! Oh my God! I asked the same question … and I received the same reply: YES! Two hours later, I met Kuba in Kentaur bar. "Are you a ghost or are you alive, Kuba?" He was alive, fortunately. And me as well.

Yesterday I was in Cubana bar and I asked my friend Juanito to put the same question to the sphere. Then I asked my bartender Jakub and his colleague. And I found out an interesting thing: the sphere wants to kill everybody! We will all be run over by a tram! It is a really dangerous application. So we asked the sphere about a safe place: "Are we safe here in Cubana bar?" - "Yes!" Interesting and hopeful answer!

I decided to have a last try. I asked the sphere: "Will I find a partner this month?" The sphere seemed to be a little bit angry. It blinked for a while and then it said: "No." I said to myself: "Never say die, Michal!" and I asked the sphere again: "Will I find a partner this year?" The sphere became darker and seemed to be even more angry. I was waiting impatiently … and after several seconds I saw its reply: "NO!" There is always a glimmer of hope. So I put my last question: "Will I find a partner someday in my life?" "I DON´T KNOW (you stupid man)!!!!" Then the application became black and froze. I asked my friend Bára, why the sphere had replied me like this and why I would not find a partner. Her explanation was logical and easy: "Because you will be run over by a tram, of course!" Oh I see … it makes sense.

Here is the moral of this story: The Czech writer Karel Jaromír Erben said in his poem: "It is better to live in a gloomy hope with a pure darkness in front of us, than to uncover our future and to get to know our horrible certainty!" Do not ask the prophetic sphere and go to Cubana bar! Just in case …
 


Zpověď moderátora kvízu

27. září 2018 v 12:04 | Michal Novotný |  Kronika Pub kvízů
Jako každou středu, sedl si moderátor Vít po kvízování na bar, pustil si do sluchátek písničku "Hřeším, hřešíš, hřeší! A co je na tom k vodsouzení" a pustil se do soukromé zpovědi, kterou jednou týdně píše do svého deníčku.

Milý deníčku,

tak nevím, jestli ještě chci dělat moderátora hospodských kvízů. Moje vtipná scénka s ohlušující reprobednou nikoho nerozesmála. A Swingladies mě zase zklamali. Kdybys je slyšel! Na otázku, proč v pátek zvonily všechny zvony, když byl mezinárodní den jistého stavu, hlásili návrhy jako "jiný stav", "šlechtický stav" … to je děs. Každej přece ví, že byl mezinárodní den míru! A že bude Coca cola dávat marihuanu jako wellness přísadu do nápojů, to taky nevěděli. Zrovna voni, který Katka zhulila na kolaudaci. Se přiznám, že o Vratislavicích na Nisou jsem taky v životě neslyšel, ale že Group PSA není psí útulek, ale výrobce aut, to by Michal vědět mohl. A získat v prvním kole jediný bod za to, že vím, v jakém autě si vozil prdel Hitler, to je fakt bída. Ale nepodrazil jsem je! Že mají pouze jeden bod, jsem zatajil, a hlásil jsem až předposlední místo - Trebeach se dvěma body! Jsem prostě loajální!

Ve druhým kole si Michal vzpomněl na Potomac, protože čte Dana Browna, Vlastík na České Budějovice, protože tam byl v hospodě, a Honza na Novi Sad, protože je dobrej v zeměpisu. Slova na čtyři písmena uhodli všechny, ale stejně poskočili jen na třetí místo … a tam už zůstali. Zato Hier für Bier trčeli na prvním místě od začátku. Taková nuda! To nemá dynamiku.

Hele, deníčku, abych nebyl jen negativní, s těma obojživelníkama mě Swingersky fakt překvapily! Plnej počet bodů! Ale nerozeznat Kozla od Staropramenu, splést si Kofolu s Poděbradkou, tak to je úlet. To nekoukají na reklamy nebo co?! Ještě že Vlastík v mládí pitval (a jedl) žáby. Jen díky tomu ví, kolik mají obratlů. Ale po tomhle kole už jsme mohli s kvízem skončit. Taková ztráta času jen kvůli tomu, abych viděl až do konce stejné pořadí: 1. HfB, 2. Kulturní barbaři, 3. Swingersky, 4. Drahaňáci a 5. Trebeach. To fakt chceš.

Ve čtvrtým kole … téma trenéři jakž takž, ale čeští králové?! Neznat vlastní historii! Umístit Fridricha Falckýho do správnýho století PODLE HADRŮ! No chápeš to, deníčku? To ti hlava nebere. A pak už jen pátý kolo s lakonickými popisy filmů … to musel dát každej, dyť je to furt na Facebooku a sdílí to kde kdo. A neznat halštatskou kulturu, nepoznat orlí hnízdo … za to by se měli stydět. Já už to dělat nebudu! Blbý jsou jak troky. Hned zítra jdu za šéfem, ať si ty Swingersky a Há ef Béčka moderuje zase Katka. Já půjdu do jiné hospody, kam chodí chytrý lidi.

Jo, abych nezapomněl. Nevytisknul jsem odpovědní lístky. A po těch "výkonech" týmu Swingladies jsem několikrát vzal jméno Boží nadarmo (ale ku*va nevadí, ne?) Je to mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Dám si třikrát zdrávas a dvakrát otčenáš. A pak ještě pivo a rum. Na to dnešní zklamání. Amen.


Večer plný detektivek aneb Úspěšná léčba

28. srpna 2018 v 11:42 | Michal Novotný |  Co život dal
Asi před týdnem jsem se nachladil. Znáte ten pocit, kdy v noci nemůžete spát, protože máte ucpaný nos, nepřetržitě kašlete, bolí vás zablokovaná páteř ... a do toho horko, takže se ráno probudíte v propocených peřinách a cítíte se na čerstvých 90 let, protože jste se nevyspali a nemůžete se hýbat. Nelepšilo se to, později se přidaly teploty, a tak jsem navštívil svoji lékařku.

Tato neuvěřitelná žena se věnovala asi 5 minut mému zdraví a asi 30 minut nadávala na politiku. To je taková povinná součást návštěvy. Nicméně jsem bez mrknutí oka zvládl její litanie a jako odměnu za trpělivost jsem dostal třídenní antibiotika. Pan lékárník mne upozornil na kontraindikace a vedlejší účinky a já jsem se jako malej kluk těšil, až spolknu tabletku, pocítím její účinky a blažený pocit, že se mi ulevilo.

Přišel večer a vše nasvědčovalo tomu, že dnes v noci bude všechno jinak! Jednak jsem v sobě měl první dávku antibiotik, jednak jsem od kamaráda dostal velmi zdravé bonbóny se spoustou vitamínů a bylinek proti kašli, noci už také nejsou tropické a capsaicinová náplast slibovala ulevit mé zablokované páteři. Usnul jsem při poslechu Komisaře Maigreta. Někdy po půlnoci mne probudil kašel. Mírnější než obvykle, což mě naplňovalo optimismem. Pro jistotu jsem si ale dal bonbón proti kašli. Zabral ... ale jen na chvíli. Vzal jsem si tedy další a usilovně jsem ho cumlal. Asi minutu byl klid ... a pak znovu. Další bonbón, ale už jsem ho kousal. Chvilka klidu. Kašel. Bonbón ... a poté, co jsem spořádal celé balení, jsem měl patro pořezané od ostrých kousků zázračných bonbónů. Podle rady lékařky jsem vykašlával a smrkal, spotřeboval jsem celé balení kapesníků ... a zranil jsem si nos. Začala mi téct krev. To už bylo po druhé hodině ráno. Můj počáteční optimismus opadl, když v tom ...

... zabrala antibiotika! Přesně jak říkal pan lékárník: "Ničí to střevní mikroflóru, takže můžete mít zácpu nebo průjem." Já jsem dostal průjem. Na WC jsem běhal asi hodinu, poté se rozzlobená mirkoflóra uklidnila a já byl šťastný, že snad konečně budu moci klidně spát. Pustil jsem si další audioknihu - Smrt na Nilu. Pořezané patro přestávalo bolet, krev z nosu už netekla, průjem ustal a mým tělem začalo proudit příjemné teplo. Cítil jsem přicházející spánek ... a morký polštář. Teplota! V důsledku pocení mne začala svědit capsaicinová náplast. Svědění udržovalo mou bdělost až do konce detektivky. Pustil jsem si tedy další detektivku ... a někdy po čtvrté hodině ranní jsem konečně usnul.

Ráno jsem se probudil s dobrým pocitem, že se léčím, ale cítil jsem se na čerstvých 100. Pozitivním vedlejším účinkem vedlejších účinků (rozuměj průjmu) byl můj optimismus, když jsem se ráno postavil na váhu. Měl jsem dvě kila dolů! Trochu se bojím dnešní noci, protože hodlám podráždit svou mikroflóru další dávkou antibiotik, ale uklidňuje mne, že bonbóny už došly, capsaicinová náplast taky ... a při nejhorším si můžu zajít pro další porci nadávek na politiku, za kterou dostanu nějakou velmi účinnou odměnu s vedlejšími účinky.


Ad absurdum

15. srpna 2018 v 13:17 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
Yesterday our English teacher Markéta brought to our English club really interesting document: "98 funny conversation starters". As we were surprised there is not 100 starters, we had to add two more to be satisfied: "It´s hot today, I am sweating as a pig, are you sweating too?" (It is verified and it works!) + "What do you like for breakfast?" (yes, it has similar meaning as "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"). Thanks to this document we talked about relationships. And our conversation led the topic ad absurdum!
  • First Lenka proposed me to marry her.
  • But it was not enough, so she proposed Iri to be her registered partner. Iri is married, our family has four members!
  • Still not enough, I have to register a partner too. There are five of us!
  • Lenka is straight, she needs a lover. There are six of us!
  • Iri has two children, but Lenka wants more. We will adopt Samir. (From this moment Samir has six parents!) Samir finds this idea a little bit perverted.
  • Samir is popular in our family, we have to decide, what day he will spend with who. It is easy: two days with Iri, two days with Lenka and two days with me. Sundays he will be free. We are a perfect family, because we can find solution of every situation.
  • Where would we live? In my flat ... but I have to extend it. It means two of my neighbours have to move.
  • Markéta wants me to bake and sell my orange cake. My cake shop will be in an bank office under my flat.
  • Our children need pets. We have already rabbits, guinea pigs and a dog, but Lenka wants to have a sheep. (We almost heard the sound of its hoofs on the floor!) And the sheep needs a cottage. Everybody likes this idea until ...
  • Iri said, that lamb sausages are really tasty. First marital argument. Our pets cannot be eaten!
  • It seems our arguments will end like this: Lenka will be watching TV and eating ice-cream, Iri and me will go to the pub, in fact, we both like lamb sausages.
I cannot wait to show my family´s photos to my friends: "This is my wife, this is my wife´s registered partner and this is my wife´s registered partner´s husband. This is our adopted son and these are my wife´s registered partner´s children." Would you like to join our family? Or would you like to hear how the story of our family will continue? Join our English club.

Why join our English club

2. srpna 2018 v 13:28 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
We are four classmates from ILC language school. We have finished a pre-intermediate course. As we want to practice our spoken English, we meet every Tuesday in Kentaur bar and we invite interesting people: English teachers, an American, a Greek, a Spaniard, a Bosnian, a Slovak … Maybe it is incredible, but most of the time we really speak English (and sometimes German, Spanish, Bosnian, French and Czech as well). Thanks to our guests, we not only practice English, but also learn new things:
  • how to use expressions "I´d rather do" an "I´d better do";
  • what we should do at least once in our life (relationship at work);
  • what is the first sentence that the Spanish learn in their Czech lessons (Oči, p**o! … not very polite … really rude, but it seems Czech teachers think it is useful);
  • how to play bat tennis and bat squash in a living room (you need to play backhand);
  • what are new medical methods that can reduce amount of human fat (the methods will kill you but you will die slim);
  • what have the words jam and tampon in common (it is a linguistic question);
  • which Czech word sounds Spanish (koryto);
  • what to look at when you are touching glasses with an American (anywhere but not into one's eyes);
  • what are the differences between a prostitute and a pole dancer (pliancy);
  • how Columbus became a pigeon (his vowel changed);
  • how not to say "I do not understand" in German (Ich Stehe nicht Ver);
  • what Iri did with Samir in his car and why she was afraid (I think it was an acceptable version for her husband);
  • why is it useful to go abroad (meet men);
  • who always makes us talk about sex (Michal … but I do not agree);
  • who is Baba Yaga (a landlady);
  • what caused an unexisting sausage (an invitation);
  • which bar in Brno is the best and why (Kentaur bar and barbershop of course! Its staff is friendly, barbers are excellent, rums are delicious, beer is cold and bearded men are handsome!)
We do not avoid sophisticated themes as politics (who is mad and who is a thief), art (which painter seduced young girls), monuments in Brno (the penis in náměstí Svobody is a cartridge … but the Spaniards do not believe it … nobody believes it) etc. In short, our English clubs are edifying and funny, we learn new stuff about the world, get new experiences and friends … and we'd be happy if you'd join us!

It is necessary to distinguish!

18. července 2018 v 12:24 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
Our last English club was really amazing! It was almost one to one session: three teachers (I am sorry, Jeff, you are not a teacher) and four students. First we had to satisfy our needs: "What´s on tap? (Jeff) / I need a glass of cider! (Jitka) / Will Honza come? (Lenka) / Does anybody need a hug? (Me) / I will have a beer. (Sabina) Can my friend join us? (Samir) ..." Everyone was satisfied except for Lenka. Honza did not come.

My friend Jeff is an American. He did not want to speak English. Now I understand why: he did not want to listen to our horrible pronunciation and to correct our mistakes. But a few minutes later he was speaking English as everybody. And what´s more! He explained to us the difference between a dough (with bubbles) and a crust (without bubbles), a hen party and ladies night out, pie and cake, a pâté and a liverwurst ... and between many deers (roe, red, rein). And so I have found out an interesting thing: till yesterday I baked a French lemon cake. From today I bake a French lemon pie. And the recipe is the same! It is useful to know that my pie is more delicious then my cake! I recalled the film Pelíšky: "I had wanted to make a dumplings, but it transformed into gnocchi." = "I had wanted to make a cake, but it transformed into a pie."

Jeff informed us that the Czechs are impolite! We look into other people´s eyes too much. From that moment our "Cheers" were without eye contact. It is important to know who is at the table with you. It is really difficult to hit a glass without looking at it and I could not do it. But if I go to America, the Americans will be satisfied.

My classmate Iri showed us the difference between a rabbit and a hare. The difference is stunning! Believe me, she could be an actress! Even in a cartoon! Later we discussed the word "zajíc" (hare) in the meaning of "a young man". While gay men use "zajíc" (hare), when they are talking about gorgeous young men, straight women use "zajíček" (little hare). But everybody says "koloušek" (little fawn) in the same meaning. If you are a foreigner, remember it!

Do you know how to spell the word "Mississippi"? In England you will say "M, I, double S, I, double S ...", but in America you should say "M, I, S, S, I, S, S, ..."! It is always important to know where you are, when you are spelling words! Luckily enough you don´t have to say a decker-decker, when you mean a double-decker.

My friend Louel posted the following information on Facebook: Dear students, when translating "ruční práce" into English, use the term "manual work" instead of "handjob". In our English club we developed this thought and the conclusion was unequivocal: It is necessary to distinguish! If you confuse these two expressions, instead of a passionate night and sex with a chain you will crochet a chain. And you will be surprised only by a size of your partner´s crochet hook.

Our English clubs are really enlightening! I have to express my thanks to Jitka, Sabina, Iri, Lenka, Samir and Jeff for beautiful evening! What about you, dear reader, will you join us next time?

Let´s talk about ... sex!

12. července 2018 v 11:54 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
After three English clubs that took place in Kentaur bar I am sure, that it is a very good idea. Not only we practice English, but we also enrich our lifes! And the English club is quite international: there were guests from Spain and Bosnia and our future guest will be from the USA and from the Philippines. What are the benefits for me?
  • I meet my friends!
  • Thanks to Markéta I know, that before I will die, I should do several things: to change baby´s nappy, to ride a rollercoaster, to play laser game, to have an office relationship and to swim with wild dolphins.
  • Jitka explained to me how wallabies are lying.
  • Damir described us some sexual differences between the Czechs, the Bosnians, the Serbians and other nationalities.
  • I have found out, that spider´s bottom tastes like a paté ... but nor this information can not make me eat it!
  • Iri´s children were really impressed by Prag! Mainly three things made a good impression on them: two shits and one building covered with shit. It seems I should go to Prag soon! I have never had impressions like this!
  • If you want to visit Brno, do it now! Holes are everywhere and visitors like it! We sent some photographs to our friends in Prague, they were stunned!
  • There is hope that my friends would pair me off with somebody. Ladík tried to pair Lenka off with his friend: "Look at the photo, this is my friend, you would like him ... but he is straight." I have to add, that Lenka is straight too.
  • We are open and friendly and we do not avoid any topic! The last one was sex: it is useful to know which porn actor had sex with young and old people, with men and women ... with everybody ... with everything.
  • In our English club we speek not only English, but also Spanish, Bosnian and French. I really like Japanese and Hebrew, I would find some guests from Japan and Israel.
  • The most frequent sentence you can hear in our English club is: "English please!" And it works: most of the time we are talking in English!
The English club is an opportunity to meet new friends, to practice English and learn new things. And it is really useful for our spoken English. I know, after reading this article, you can have doubts about it, but trust me ... and join us!

Homework

27. června 2018 v 16:37 | Michal Novotný |  Articles in English
If you organize an English club for practicing your spoken English, you have to count impacts in! In my case it was a homework: write a short article about your plans for holiday. OK, it is easy, because … I will be working … but is is a really short article, I think. So let me dream a little … and I promise I will use many new words I have learnt during our English club. So that you can recognize them, I will highlight them.

Instead of working, I´d rather be in Costa del Azahar! There are three reasons for it. Here are the three key words: spell, smell and shell: the arabic word "Azahar" sounds like a spell! Powerful spell, that can bring me everything. But the meaning of this word is "orange and lemon flowers". And if you know how beautiful their smell is, you understand the second key word. And if I go to Costa del Azahar, I will eat many shells, fish and other seafood. And I am sure, I will taste tapas, paella and Spanish sweets as well. I´d better visit a lot of historical places and monuments, but sometimes I can be quite lazy man. I will be lying like a wallaby and gazing upon people around me (with my not much slender legs on a bench) smelling the orange flowers and eating seafood, dreaming about cute animals which are nuzzling my hands.

There are other possibilities. Isn´t it romantic to pee and see the stars with Jorge? Or to pee and wave off mosquitoes with Honza? Or to take photographs of manhole covers in Barcelona with Iri? Or to spend beautiful time on a really hot day with Jitka, to eat a lot of chocolate and let it melt in my bed, to eat a lot of pasta and then to sing a song, to fly to America to see overdosed Pablo EscoBear … Everything is better than working all the time.

But I have a plan how to make my holiday more beautiful! I will meet my friends, I will go to pub quizes, I will organize meetings of our English club and … I will try to find the 16th way how to … be the happiest man in Brno. If I succeed, it will exceed all my expectations. Can you imagine my gratitude to my fortune? And it will linger for a long long time.

Kam dál